Taking care of myself

Making myself go to the doctor has always been an issue with me. I need to go. I am terrified and reluctant for two reasons. First, it seems no one ever listens to me. Second, when I listen to myself I even think I sound like a hypocondriac. But, deep in my heart I know I am wrong. I ignore sign and signals from my body and I know this is related to the abuse. I had a hernia when I was about 13 or so. That's how old I was when my abuser pointed it out and told me to tell my mother. But, how could I. The shame was unbearable. Some of that still sticks with me. I know that I shouldn't feel this anxiety, but I do all the same. All my life I have had physical problems on and off. They were always dismissed by whoever I told. My mother told me double vision was normal. I never told anyone about the bladder problems. Too embarrassed. When I was 19 I finally worked up the nerve to go the the doctor about the hernia. It was dismissed. He couldn't find anything so he didn't believe me. I finally had it repaired when I was 24. My husband had to talk to the doctor. I guess I'm not believable.