Quick Summary of Events

Just a quick run down on my life. My stepfather was my abuser. The earliest memories I have begin at 8 and it finally ended when I was 17. It was on and off during my life. I think. I have repressed a great deal. The worst was from age 11 to 17. At 11, I wanted to commit suicide. At 15, I turned to drugs and alcohol in order to numb. So a great deal of that time period is a blur if remembered at all. My SF was the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde type. He was the best and the worst father you could have possibly had. He could be the nicest most kind hearted individual you had ever met. And then, he could instantly turn into a monster. He would beat the hell out of my mother. It would put the fear in all of us and that is what someone like that does to control people.

Anyways, I never told (or thought I hadn't) anyone about the abuse until I was 19. (I found out later that I had told my best friend when I was 11, but she never told anyone else) Then, I just lost it one night and broke down and told the guy I was dating at the time. Then, I married someone else when I was 20. Had three wonderful boys within the next 4 years and thought the world was perfect and everything was behind me. Then, I started entering a deep depression and having fits of rage. I was terrified that I would hurt my children, so I entered counseling to deal with the trauma. The last thing in the world that I ever wanted to do was hurt my kids. I love them with all my heart and soul. I think they gave me more life than I gave them. About, a year after I had been in therapy, my mom called me one morning. My SF (who she had separated from when I was 16) had been arrested for child molestation. He had molested the little girl of the family we grew up next door to. He proclaimed his innocence. With shaking hands, a knot in my stomach and all the strength I could muster, I called the investigating deputy and told her my story. He was arrested again. I stood outside the courtroom with the little girl on the day she had to testify. She was 11 and braver than I had ever been. I wasn't allowed to testify in her case except to state how old my SF was. It seems the prosecutors had neglected to establish that fact. The Judge had previously ruled that my case was separate and the facts were not closely enough related to her case to justify my testimony. It was because she has a neighbors child and I was a stepchild. I still don't understand that. The Prosecutors ending up having to drop the most serious charge in the little girl's case. When she got up in front of the jury she was too ashamed to go in to the details. He was convicted only on lewd and lascivious behavior. Probation most likely. But, my case was still to go. The deep emotional scars that had been left were lanced back open. This was the hardest time in my life. I was trying to take care of 3 toddlers, my marriage was crumbling and all the pain of the abuse was out in the open. I lost it. I ended up in the hospital stress center twice during this time. I also started drinking and using drugs again. Anything to try and cope. Finally, the day I got out of the hospital for the second time and only a few days before we were supposed to go to trial again, my SF entered a plea. He agreed to 15 years in prison followed by 15 years probation. He served roughly 8 years and was released. He is still on probation, but he now has Alzheimers and is imprisoned in his mind. I'm not sure which was worse, the years of abuse or having to go back through it all again. I escaped the emotional pain of the abuse by separating from myself. It was like being in the third person watching, but not feeling. During the trial, there was no separating. I had to deal with it head on. It is like opening up an infected wound. You know you have to do it in order to heal but the pain is tremendous because you have to cut back through the scars and new tissue. It was the worst and best thing that could have happened. It was healing for me. And, now luckily I have a relatively boring and ordinary life. This is the readers digest condensed version. The other entries on this blog will deal with more specifics.